How To Get Strength While Facing Divorce?

"Seems like even her old girlfriends might be talking her down. She's got her name on the grapevine......She always figured that they were her friends, but maybe they can live without her. It used to be her town, it used to be her town too.....Well, people got used to seeing them both together but now he's gone and life goes on. Nothing lasts forever, oh no....Some of them his friends, some of them her friends, some of them understand. Lord knows that this is just a small town city.....It used to be her town, it used to my town too".

These words written and sung by James Taylor over thirty years ago, about divorce is still poignant several decades later. Often when couples get divorced or break up from a serious, long term relationship, they unintentionally end up having a "divorce" with their friends as well. This is when the couple involved will find out who their true friends are.....or if they even have any!!

A former client named Chloe, who attended counselling sessions at El'ohim Clinic allowed me to share her story....

"When I was a young girl, I dreamed about getting married to my "Prince Charming" just like in the Disney fairytales, sharing my life journey with my best friends and we would all "live happily ever after". Sounds so naive... yes, I know. However, life is Not a fairytale and the "princess" grew up to realise that not everything is "sugar and spice" and life doesn't always go according to plan. During my university days, I was in a serious, long term relationship, we were in-love and were going to get married and live happily ever after. Some of our friends even said we were a "match made in heaven" and although we were not married we looked like a "long time married couple". To cut the story short, I realised after several years that I was merely existing in an unhealthy relationship and I was actually "in-love" with the idea of being in-love and all the wonderful events that I thought would have followed a wedding. I had accepted that when I ended the long term relationship that there would be no more dreams of starting a family and living in a lovely house with a "white picket fence" with him.

I was totally unprepared for the "vanishing act" that followed with my supposedly closest and loyal friends. One moment we are vowing "sisters for life" and "one big happy family through thick and thin" and the next minute, no more party invitations or calls to arrange a "catch up", my close friends even "unfriended" me on Facebook... I was invisible and didn't exist anymore. Were the ten years of close friendships, just a figment of my imagination? Worse still, were the judgemental, "Holier than Thou" attitude from my friends, especially my best friend. Who knew every intimate detail of how very unhappy I was in my relationship and Still made false accusations about me. To be honest, it was Heartbreaking and was strangely more difficult to deal with than the break up of my long term relationship. I was relying on my friends, especially my best friends to comfort and support me through this difficult time. Ironically, the person who I broke up with was the only person who sympathised, when our and My closest friends sided with him and distanced themselves from me!! I have always been a very loyal friend and made a lot of sacrifices to help them in their hour of need. So the betrayal hurt so much more".

There is not much research on the effects of divorce and friendship, however, most studies have indicated that this behaviour and pattern is common. People admit that they are uncomfortable with their friends divorcing and do not know what to do in this type of situation. I believe these studies can also be broadly applied to Chloe and other couples who have broken up after a serious, long term relationship. Divorce or serious, long term relationship break ups inevitably changes the dynamics in relationships, especially when it comes to friendships.

Chloe is not alone when it comes to experiencing relationship problems. Ashlee and Shaun had been married for six (mostly unhappy) years, when they came for appointments at El'ohim Clinic seeking FertilityCare treatment and holistic counselling. Ashlee had some women's health issues that were affecting her moods, she had a hormonal imbalance that resulted in bouts of angry outbursts, anxiety and depression. Her health issues had existed before they were married, as the years went by her untreated condition was progressively worse. Shaun stated that he could not deal with his wife's behaviour, they would have major arguments over the most trivial matter. When he came home from a long day of work to find a very unclean house because Ashlee was feeling too depressed to get out of bed to "do anything productive". Ashlee stated that Shaun was emotionally distant and didn't understand how it felt to deal with her health issues on a daily basis. She felt that Shaun was "insensitive and doesn't validate what I am feeling".

Through several sessions to manage Ashlee's women's health issues and marriage counselling, Ashlee was given treatment for her hormonal imbalance. They also gradually learned to understand each other and rebuilt their very unstable relationship. At the final session, Ashlee shared that she had been seriously contemplating about divorcing Shaun, but the marriage counselling sessions had reminded her why they fell in-love in the first place. Shaun also shared that the holistic counselling sessions had made him more aware of his need to be more loving, supportive and sensitive to his wife. Shaun's change of attitude and behaviour towards his wife was the catalyst for a major positive change in their marriage.

Fortunately, many couples like Ashlee and Shaun are able to avoid the horrible, rollercoaster of experiencing a divorce. However, for some couples they have drifted so far apart for various reasons, that eventually they see no other option but to seek a divorce or break up from their serious, long term relationship. This is when the emotional rollercoaster begins and with it involves the inevitable loss of friendships and the sinking feeling of loneliness.

From Chloe's own experience, she shared that it was one of the hardest situations that she had ever dealt with: "It felt like I was grieving the "death" of a loved one despite the fact that I chose to end the relationship. I eventually came to the realisation that I was grieving over the "death" of my unfulfilled dreams with him. It was initially a difficult process, but through prayer and over time I experienced God's healing touch in my life".

Relationship break-ups have negative aspects but they can also have positive aspects. It is a doorway to a renewed life with new experiences, new opportunities and making enriching new friendships. You will become a different and stronger person, with a renewed identity separate from been identified as "the other half" of the previous relationship.

Therefore, as God's chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity. Let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, since as members of one body you were called to peace.
(Colossians 3 )


I wish you good health of body, mind and spirit.

Drinking and Smoking Increases the Danger of Disability for Your Baby

Fetal Alcohol Spectrum Disorder
can lead to developmental issues
such as aso learning disabilities or
growth deficiencies.

The Detrimental Effects of Alcohol Consumption on Female and Male Fertility

It would seem that it is common knowledge, that if a couple are trying to conceive then it would be wise to abstain from consuming alcohol completely. Numerous studies have proven that consumption of large quantities of alcohol has a very negative and damaging effect on the couple's fertility.

Surprisingly, there are many individuals and couples who are oblivious to alcohol's deterimental impact on fertility. Linda and Tim are a couple in their early thirties, they have been regular and heavy consumers of alcohol and cigarettes since their teenage years. They have been married for four years and have been trying to conceive for two and a half years. Tim is a fly in-fly out worker leaving Linda at home to find her own company for five weeks at a time, hence the partying and heavy drinking continues with her friends. Once Tim returns home the couple go on holidays and drink excessively at an overseas resort. Linda laments that she has difficulty to conceive. At this stage, it is not surprising why Linda and Tim have not acheived their goal of pregnancy.

When Linda and Tim attended a FertilityCare appointment at El'ohim Clinic, she stated that she eats fresh fruit and vegetables daily and exercises on a regular basis, so in her opinion she was living a "healthy lifestyle". Linda was very surprised when they were informed that their heavy drinking and chain smoking contributed to their infertility issues. Linda stated, "I didn't know that, why didn't anyone tell me earlier?".

Studies have proven that excessive alcohol consumption is associated with a multitude of ovulatory dysfunctions. It can affect a woman's ability to menstruate, ovulate and affects her ability to produce fertile cervical mucus, which is a vital factor for conception.
Medical specialists have warned women who are trying to conceive or are already pregnant to abstain from alcohol consumption. This is a preventative measure to protect the unborn baby developing Fetal Alcohol Spectrum Disorder, which can lead to development issues such as learning disabilities, damage to the central nervous system, growth deficiencies. Other negative effects include an increased risk of premature birth and miscarriages.

For males, research has evidenced that the quality, quantity and mobility of sperm is significantly inferior for regular consumers of alcohol compared to their peers who completly abstain. Consumption of alcohol has also been shown to inhibit the body's absorption of nutrients such as zinc, which is one of the most important minerals for male fertility.

Linda and Tim in additional to their FertilityCare appointments also commenced Lifestyle Assessment sessions, which gave them a holistic overview of their fertility issues and lifestyle. They were advised to eat specific fertility foods, modify their sleep routine, learned how to remove unnecessary stress when counselled and obviously they were advised to eliminate alcohol and cigarette consumption. To be honest it was not an easy process, there was initial resistance when they were instructed to completely give up their unhealthy lifestyle. However, as time passed they found their change in lifestyle much easier and their fertility improved. Today they have a healthy one year old boy and Linda states that "It was a life changing event, not only did we conceive our beautiful boy but we learned information that helped us to have better general health".

To conclude, El'ohim Clinic strongly recommends that when couples are attempting to conceive it would be wise to abstain from alcohol, cigarettes, caffeine or any other negative external factors that could hinder their chances of falling pregnant.

I wish you good health of body, mind and spirit.