These words written and sung by James Taylor over thirty years ago, about divorce is still poignant several decades later. Often when couples get divorced or break up from a serious, long term relationship, they unintentionally end up having a "divorce" with their friends as well. This is when the couple involved will find out who their true friends are.....or if they even have any!!
A former client named Chloe, who attended counselling sessions at El'ohim Clinic allowed me to share her story....
"When I was a young girl, I dreamed about getting married to my "Prince Charming" just like in the Disney fairytales, sharing my life journey with my best friends and we would all "live happily ever after". Sounds so naive... yes, I know. However, life is Not a fairytale and the "princess" grew up to realise that not everything is "sugar and spice" and life doesn't always go according to plan. During my university days, I was in a serious, long term relationship, we were in-love and were going to get married and live happily ever after. Some of our friends even said we were a "match made in heaven" and although we were not married we looked like a "long time married couple". To cut the story short, I realised after several years that I was merely existing in an unhealthy relationship and I was actually "in-love" with the idea of being in-love and all the wonderful events that I thought would have followed a wedding. I had accepted that when I ended the long term relationship that there would be no more dreams of starting a family and living in a lovely house with a "white picket fence" with him.
I was totally unprepared for the "vanishing act" that followed with my supposedly closest and loyal friends. One moment we are vowing "sisters for life" and "one big happy family through thick and thin" and the next minute, no more party invitations or calls to arrange a "catch up", my close friends even "unfriended" me on Facebook... I was invisible and didn't exist anymore. Were the ten years of close friendships, just a figment of my imagination? Worse still, were the judgemental, "Holier than Thou" attitude from my friends, especially my best friend. Who knew every intimate detail of how very unhappy I was in my relationship and Still made false accusations about me. To be honest, it was Heartbreaking and was strangely more difficult to deal with than the break up of my long term relationship. I was relying on my friends, especially my best friends to comfort and support me through this difficult time. Ironically, the person who I broke up with was the only person who sympathised, when our and My closest friends sided with him and distanced themselves from me!! I have always been a very loyal friend and made a lot of sacrifices to help them in their hour of need. So the betrayal hurt so much more".
There is not much research on the effects of divorce and friendship, however, most studies have indicated that this behaviour and pattern is common. People admit that they are uncomfortable with their friends divorcing and do not know what to do in this type of situation. I believe these studies can also be broadly applied to Chloe and other couples who have broken up after a serious, long term relationship. Divorce or serious, long term relationship break ups inevitably changes the dynamics in relationships, especially when it comes to friendships.
Chloe is not alone when it comes to experiencing relationship problems. Ashlee and Shaun had been married for six (mostly unhappy) years, when they came for appointments at El'ohim Clinic seeking FertilityCare treatment and holistic counselling. Ashlee had some women's health issues that were affecting her moods, she had a hormonal imbalance that resulted in bouts of angry outbursts, anxiety and depression. Her health issues had existed before they were married, as the years went by her untreated condition was progressively worse. Shaun stated that he could not deal with his wife's behaviour, they would have major arguments over the most trivial matter. When he came home from a long day of work to find a very unclean house because Ashlee was feeling too depressed to get out of bed to "do anything productive". Ashlee stated that Shaun was emotionally distant and didn't understand how it felt to deal with her health issues on a daily basis. She felt that Shaun was "insensitive and doesn't validate what I am feeling".
Through several sessions to manage Ashlee's women's health issues and marriage counselling, Ashlee was given treatment for her hormonal imbalance. They also gradually learned to understand each other and rebuilt their very unstable relationship. At the final session, Ashlee shared that she had been seriously contemplating about divorcing Shaun, but the marriage counselling sessions had reminded her why they fell in-love in the first place. Shaun also shared that the holistic counselling sessions had made him more aware of his need to be more loving, supportive and sensitive to his wife. Shaun's change of attitude and behaviour towards his wife was the catalyst for a major positive change in their marriage.
Fortunately, many couples like Ashlee and Shaun are able to avoid the horrible, rollercoaster of experiencing a divorce. However, for some couples they have drifted so far apart for various reasons, that eventually they see no other option but to seek a divorce or break up from their serious, long term relationship. This is when the emotional rollercoaster begins and with it involves the inevitable loss of friendships and the sinking feeling of loneliness.
From Chloe's own experience, she shared that it was one of the hardest situations that she had ever dealt with: "It felt like I was grieving the "death" of a loved one despite the fact that I chose to end the relationship. I eventually came to the realisation that I was grieving over the "death" of my unfulfilled dreams with him. It was initially a difficult process, but through prayer and over time I experienced God's healing touch in my life".
Relationship break-ups have negative aspects but they can also have positive aspects. It is a doorway to a renewed life with new experiences, new opportunities and making enriching new friendships. You will become a different and stronger person, with a renewed identity separate from been identified as "the other half" of the previous relationship.
Therefore, as God's chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity. Let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, since as members of one body you were called to peace.
(Colossians 3 )
I wish you good health of body, mind and spirit.
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